Freshmeat Wannabe, Or, Look At My F*ing Bruise!

This weekend marked the beginning of my transformation into a Derby Girl Extraordinaire.

In the pursuit of my goal of posting something in this blog at least once a day for the month of May (which I failed at by my definition of success, since it didn’t occur to me to start my attempt until May 4th), I penciled in today’s blog post as an entry about My First Roller Derby Practice with B.A.D.Girls Reckless Rollers. I spent some time on Saturday trying to come up with something to say and ended up writing this:

I feel as though it’s likely that I’ll vomit from the nerves.

Luckily I made it to the sign-up practice without upchucking from nerves or any other cause, agoraphobic tendencies be damned. Everyone, newbies and returning skaters alike, was super nice, cheerful, friendly and supportive, and I had a (really exhausting) blast. Even falling on my ass twice was actually fun — the first time someone’s skate got tangled in mine as we were doing an evil drill that involved skating in a line of six skaters, each skater with her hands on the small back of the skater in front of her, with the last person pushing the other five skaters around the track; I went down and right back up to the encouraging cheers of “go go newbie!” My second fall was caused by my inability to stop soon enough when two of the other skaters directly in front of me fell as well. When my partner picked me up I couldn’t stop grinning and proceeded to share a play-by-play of the entire practice while squirming around to check the developing bruise on my leg-butt.

On Saturday night I managed to write this:

I have a bruise the width and and diameter of a softball on my leg, and it is getting larger. And darker.

My Twitter feed is slightly more illustrative of the experience, providing several gleeful updates about the status of said softball growing like an invasive alien on my leg and the bag of frozen corn I taped to my leg in an attempt to bring down the swelling. I’ve been taking photos of the monster bruise and it just keeps growing in one way or another — first in height, then in sensitivity, then in color, then again in diameter. I’d figured that it would take me more than one day to get an admirable bruise, but considering that Saturday was literally the second time I’d skated in quad skates ever, it’s not surprising that I fell, either.

And the bruise! I can’t stop talking about this bruise. Have you seen it? This monster thing has enamoured me even more of roller derby — cuts and bruises are badges of honor, no? And I’ve had bruises and injuries before, from ice skating in particular — I’ve had my fingers and hand ice skated over; I broke my ankle twice from falling (on the same jump, no less); and at one point I had an extra concentrated extra bump on my elbow bone from falling repeatedly in the same spot so many times — and I don’t bruise easily at all, much to my chagrin — BDSM is so much more fun when you have bruises and marks to keep after! But this bruise is different and spectacular and I love it like a child loves its first stuffed animal. I want to share it with everyone as proof of how much fun derby is. Seriously!

On Sunday, after limping around all day and squealing every time I got up or sat down on my soft-ball-alien-butt, I went back to practice again, somewhat expecting not to be able to do anything because my leg was so sore and swollen. But no, everything worked out and I was able to collect a second, infinitely less entertaining injury, a cut-blister-thing on my ankle from a badly arranged sock and skate tongue. And of course practice had its own special kinds of pain: burpees, kneeling drills, another drill that involved a skater dragging five or six girls around the track behind her, pool noodles and lunges.

I can’t wait until next practice! More pain! More guts! More glory! More punishment! More gianormous bruises! Yes!

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One thought on “Freshmeat Wannabe, Or, Look At My F*ing Bruise!

  1. Pingback: Reminder: 100th Episode of the Crashpad Series Live on Saturday, May 14th | Scarlet Tentacle – Audacious Handmade

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